a signal from somewhere
about writing the presenting problem expelled matter grain & grace letterboxd contact
what is pinkbeam
A beam of pink light fired information directly into his mind. It came from somewhere unexplained. It landed in a person who didn't know what to do with it. The person was changed by it. — paraphrasing Philip K. Dick, VALIS

pinkbeam is a name for the thing I'm trying to make out of the signal. A place to write. A place to think. A place that's mine.

this page is deliberately unfinished. it will probably always be. that's intentional — it reflects who I am more accurately than a finished page would.
who

I'm a writer and aspiring peer support specialist. I grew up in New York — the outer boroughs, the subway, the whole mess of it. I've lived in Los Angeles long enough to have opinions about it. I'm moving to the East Bay soon, which feels like the right next thing.

Mental illness has been the central fact of my adult life, not a footnote. Depression, the kind that makes the walls close in and keeps you horizontal for months. Substance abuse. A mixed background that never quite fit any of the available categories. A long time spent not writing, and a shorter time trying to start.

I'm in my early 40s. I've been around long enough to have done real damage and also to have started to figure some things out. Both of those things are true and I'm not interested in pretending otherwise.

I am not the person I was at 25. I am also not done becoming whoever comes next.
// this page exists because someone has to make the thing before it feels real //
peer support work

I'm pursuing certification as a peer support specialist. The path I'm focused on is Alameda County — specifically the BestNow! program through Peer Wellness Collective, which trains people with lived mental health experience to work alongside others in the system.

I've tried to talk myself into other fields over the years. This is the one I can't talk myself out of. You don't have to perform authority you don't have. You bring what actually happened to you. That feels like the only honest thing I can offer professionally.

if you work in behavioral health, peer support, or community mental health in the East Bay and want to connect: brian@pinkbeam.ink
what I'm interested in

I am someone who reads about ideas more than I read the books themselves. I'm working on that.

film

Arthouse, slow cinema, the kind of films that don't explain themselves. I log everything on Letterboxd.

music

Punk, post-punk, indie, metal, jazz. The kind of music that sounds like it means it. Also the kind that sounds like it doesn't care if you listen.

ideas

Philosophy and political theory at the edges — the stuff in footnotes and arguments. Power, community, what gets lost when cities change, and what remains.

writing

Memoir, autofiction, the Sebaldian fragment. Writers who use their own wreckage as material. I'm trying to learn to do this.

cities

New York the way it was. Oakland the way it still is in places. What happens to working class neighborhoods when the economics stop making sense.

the smallweb

Personal sites. Gemini protocol. Community radio. The internet that didn't die, just stopped being talked about.

organizations I think matter

not exhaustive. not endorsements. just things I think are worth knowing about.

if you are struggling: you don't have to explain yourself to get help. 988 is free. call or text anytime.
writing

Four active writing spaces. Different voices for different things.

pinkbeam.xyz — the blog. Personal essays. Things that happened. Written to be read by people I haven't met yet.
transmission.mataroa.blog — the presenting problem. Lived experience and footnotes. Notes from skills training, reactions to what I read, observations about my own mental health trajectory. Amateur. Candid. Not advice.
darweth.neocities.org — expelled matter. Notes toward something. Rawer. No algorithm. No apology.
lot49stills.xyz — grain and grace. Film stills and scattered thoughts about cinema. Named after Pynchon. The signal in the noise.
// I started writing in public late. I'm not pretending otherwise. //
pinkbeam // brian@pinkbeam.ink // updated irregularly // no algorithm // no apology
// a signal from somewhere. philip k. dick knew. //